Common Feelings After Bereavement
Each experience of bereavement is unique – just like the relationship between the person who has died and the person who is missing them. In the early days after the death, you may experience grief as feeling shocked and numb, deeply sad and tearful.
However, it’s also normal and common to feel quite angry about death, even with the person who has died for leaving you. Your rational mind might tell you that this is not justified but your feelings seem to be following a different path. Regret and guilt are also common, for things said or unsaid and much else. An outsider might tell you that you have no reason to feel guilty, but the feelings are real. Often these feelings of anger and guilt fade over the following weeks and months but if you feel stuck with them it is a good idea to contact us or one of the other organisations, we list below to talk about what you’re experiencing. For some people, when death has come after a long illness, or following years of difficulties in the relationship, bereavement can also bring a sense of relief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
The Myth of “Stages of Grief”
You may have read or been told that grief has various stages such as shock, pain, anger, guilt, depression, and longing – almost like a checklist that you must work through.
However, research has shown that this is too simplistic an explanation. A rollercoaster of emotions might be a better description. At times, you might show a ‘brave face’ to people but feel completely different on the inside. At other times your emotions may overwhelm you, demand your time and all your energy, and be impossible to hide away.
Grief and Exhaustion
Grief is often exhausting.
You might feel very tired and possibly apathetic about ordinary everyday tasks. If you have been the carer for the person who has died, you may wonder how you are going to fill long, empty hours of your time. During this phase, you can even feel a real sense of achievement in accomplishing ordinary everyday tasks, like making a simple meal, because it took all your energy to do so.
Practical Day-to-Day Coping
Try not to place high demands on yourself in addition to all the things that you may have to do already, such as going to work or caring for children or other family members.
Provided you can afford it, it’s fine to have a week of takeaway meals rather than cooking. It’s okay to cancel plans if you need to catch up on some rest. People will understand if you need some time alone. But do try not to cut yourself off from other people entirely. Use an answering machine or caller display to screen your phone calls on bad days but make calls yourself on the days you are feeling stronger.
Managing Practical Tasks After a Death
Making lists of things that must be done is often a helpful way of keeping track of the unfamiliar tasks that bereavement requires.
Remember, though, that very few of these will be urgent once you have notified everyone that needs to know about the death. The priority is informing family, friends, banks, and the DWP.
If you are fortunate enough to have offers of help from family and friends to do your cleaning, shopping, gardening, or other tasks, then accept them.
Additionally, if you feel you need to talk about your experience in order to better manage your feelings, do so freely. Don’t worry that you’re repeating yourself to family and friends that you trust; they are there for you.
